How many of us have them……Friends!

Do you ever get tired of being the nice one? Of being the strong one? Of being the one that everyone turns to as soon as they have an emotional problem? The one that they need to speak to set everything straight in there mind and in their life…No? Well I do; especially when I get nothing in return in the friendship.

It’s funny how every once in a while I begin to realize that I need to start taking my own advice when it comes to friends. I have 3 simple rules when it comes to friends: 1. You can not dump your bad energy on me if I can not dump mine on you. 2. I can call you with good news and you should be able to be sincerely happy for me…Not just sound like it or revert back to talking about your streak of bad luck. 3. If I can come to your house and chill you can come to mine.

Those are my 3 laws. And there are little sub-laws that go with them but they are the basics. I developed them right around the time when the good friend I wrote about before and I had that big falling out. I began to realize that I wasn’t getting to return that I felt that I deserved from the investment that I made in my friends. Because that’s what it is…an investment.

Every time you pick up the phone at 1 in the morning and it’s your friend crying their eyes out and you stay on the line with them until they calm down and feel better you are investing in them with the hope that they will do the same for you one day, whether or not that day will ever come. Sooner or later you start to realize if said investment will ever pay off. I guess that’s kind of what I’m going though now…evaluating the relationships in my life.

I have a girlfriend that I love very dearly and whom would be married to if people could take their head out of their ass. We’ll reach 4 years together in a month and a half and we support each other through everything. She is my best friend but some times you don’t want to talk about everything with your significant other so no matter what people say friends are important.

So, in my life I have 3 people that I would refer to as close friends and one of them gave me a little reality check while she once again went through problems with her girlfriend. As usual she spoke to me about it, even “f”ed up my high Friday night as she cried and asked why I thought the girl phone was off. She was just being dramatic looking for someone to listen to her while everyone else was out side chillin’. Being the good friend that I was I spoke to her but after the third call I started to be short with her to get her off the damn phone. I began to realize that it wasn’t fair that she monopolized my time like this and then it hit me. She would do the same for me if I was going through it.

If it was 10 P.M. and I called her about some problems I was having she would be like, “Dog, I wish I could help you but I can’t even fix my own. But Yo, I got work in the morning, so…call me tomorrow and let me know what happens.” Not that I would ever go to her with problems like that but I feel that if you’re gonna a friend then I should be able to. It’s like I just realized how self absorbed she can be and I remembered why I don’t refer to everyone as friends.

I spoke to one of my remaining close friends and a co-worker about it yesterday and they both said that I expected too much from them even if they were friends. This is definitely true. I am a very good friend and can be selfless at times and I disappoint myself by thinking that being that way for people means that they will do it for me. So…...it’s time to do some spring cleaning ya’ll. I’m not gonna cut her off but I’m definitely not gonna over extend myself like I use to. From now on, unless it’s a genuine emergency, I’m not going out of my why like I usually do unless it’s family or my woman. True friends will understand and I won’t even need to explain.

“OH, Lord…My Baby”

When I was growing up, a young feminist of about 12 years old, I was not in the least bit interested in having children. I was even more so determined to prove all of my family wrong who said that my attitude would change as I got older and got married. Little did they know I was already discovering my desires and knew good and well that they were not the same as theirs. And knowing deep down that I loved differently, I figured that the “normal” life that they lived was not a life that I would have to look forward to. So, I looked forward to the next best thing…

January 13, 1989, Anita was born and I finally had a little sister. Not that I was looking forward to it. I was 9 years her senior and was enjoying being the baby of the family at the time but, the older we got the more I realized I loved being her protective big sis. And, over the years this hasn’t changed. She has her mom and dad there for her, day and night, but I was also there like a second mother; supporting her in her achievements and disappointments. Even when I went away for college I promised her that I was always just a call away. I was and still am ‘Fesha’, the cool big sister that teaches you what you need to know for life, in our day and age, all while having fun together.

Then it happened…she was turning 16. She was becoming a woman right before our eyes. She was popular, smart and oh yes, she had a boyfriend…Jon (said with distain). He was a year and a half older then her so when he was a senior in high school when she was just a sophomore. You could just imagine the disapproval that my parents and two older brothers showed but I was the one who stayed calm and decided not to be the over reacting, hypocritical people that everyone else was acting like. I just gave my sister a call. See it became a big scandal in a small town once everyone found out that their little Anita had a boyfriend who actually wanted to come over to the house and meet my parents...like he was a grown man or something.

Anyway, as usual, my mom calls and asks for me to speak to her. I did what I was told but I don’t know what she wanted me to say. Everything she probably had in mind, I have already told her since she was at least 12. Now, some of you might be like, “what are you crazy? Talking to a child that age about sex is dangerous. You might as well tell her to go ahead and have sex.” Now, I understand where you are coming from; at the age of 12 no one is ready to have sex. But, I believe that ignorance is the greatest sin and if you think that your child won’t have natural sexual urges by the time they are 14 you are in a dangerous state of denial.

People, especially these “deeply religious” folk seem to conveniently forget about how there bodies felt when they were that age. Those are the certain things in life that are nature and not nurture. It will happen; your children will have sex sooner or later and the sooner you get prepared for that the better for you and them. When I felt she was old enough I began speaking to my sister about the feelings she’s going to begin to have or have been feeling and warning her about the consequences. The older she got the more explicit I got and the more that I began to speak to her as an equal. I think a big problem with the world is that we underestimate the intelligence of young people and think that telling them “DON’T” should be go enough.

You know that when you were younger someone telling you don’t was not enough to stop you from sticking a penny in the electric socket. That’s why I think that explaining why and saying not yet is the best policy. My philosophy is, “I told you that that was a street and there are car out there that might not stop. You can’t blame me if go out there, playing in the street and get hit.” So I did what I had the do and one the day of her 16th birthday, I told her I loved her, that I was proud of all that she has accomplished and that I was sure that she was prepared by all of us the foreseen things that lye ahead.

I also said to her,” You are a beautiful young woman and I expect for you to have boyfriends. I just don’t expect for you to get pregnant before you have a chance to experience the things in life that I know you deserve. Graduating from High School, running track at the college you want to attend and getting a degree for the profession that you choose; don’t let sex take that away from you through pregnancy or a disease.” Then before I finished the conversation I told her that if she wanted some condoms she should hesitate to ask because sooner or later she would have sex and I wanted her to be ready for all things in life. A statement I always shared with her was, “Now-a-days getting pregnant was getting off easy”, and I think she understand that.

Now, yesterday I had another talk with her since she is in N.Y. for a week looking for a job and her boyfriend is in town. I asked her straight up, after reassuring her that everything would be cool and that she could trust me, if she had had sex before. When she responded “yes”, I took it better than I thought I would and just asked if she had used protection. She said she did and that the person she slept with was Jon. She went on to tell me that she loves and that he is a special person. They brook up because they figured it would be best when he went any to college but soon after realized that they still wanted to be together.

I wasn’t happy but I was proud that I…I mean we had raised her right had after our conversation I gave her 2 condoms to put in to her wallet. “Don’t grow up to fast to suffer long,” I said to her then we watched Episode III. That my daughter no matter what. In my head I said, “OH, Lord…My Baby”, but sooner or later we have to let go and let God and let them use what you have taught. Prayer never hurt either….

How did you feel the first time that you found out that you younger sidling had sex? Where you can a parent figure to them as I am to my sister?


Holla at yo girl!!